If you hadn’t noticed, I hadn’t posted a blog in a long
while after saying I would try to write more. It’s because I have been too
afraid and didn’t have the motivation for really anything. I felt that if my
heart wasn’t in it, what’s the point in posting at all? Well that feeling has
gotten increasingly worse and worse. When I was looking at my post ideas in the
notes section on my phone, I saw that I had written “Why I’m Happy Now”. While
reading those words I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. So, I opened
up a new document and started typing.
In all honesty…I’m not happy.
And looking back at that title made me upset because I must
have been in a really great spot to think that the happiness would last. I quite
frequently have very negative thoughts and feelings that people shouldn’t have
all the time. I probably have some form of depression and/or anxiety disorder,
but I have never really been good at asking for help with anything, and thus
have never actually been diagnosed.
There have been so many changes in my life amongst my family,
my friends, my job, and my school that it really got to me these past several
months and put me in a bad mindset. And I know my problems may not be exactly
the most difficult, and that there are people going through much worse than I,
but it doesn’t make it any easier for me to go through it.
I am usually pretty good at hiding the sad parts of me by
using comedy and a smile to hide everything negative I’m feeling inside.
Sometimes though, the pain seeps through and you can see it in my vacant eyes
with a smile that looks like it’s just drawn on a sticky note and stuck to my
“Why I’m Happy Now”
Those four simple words not only remind me that I’m sad once
again, but they serve as a glimmer of hope at the end of a long tunnel of – well – crap. To look back and think that I was struggling then but somehow came
out okay, just shows that it can happen again.
If you get anything from this post, I hope that it is, at
least, a reminder that everyone is going through something. Maybe it’s a major
life change or maybe it’s as small as a bad hair day, either way, that person is
going through something that is making them feel terrible. If you don’t hear
from someone, or you are concerned about them, or just want to talk, for the
love of all that is good in the world, reach out because it could be exactly
what they need. Be that glimmer of hope at the end of the “crap” tunnel. Be the
reason someone can tell their story about why their happy now.
Be nice to people,